


The Doctor and Fear

by orelseatlastsheunderstoodit



Series: My Doctor Meta [4]
Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Gen, Meta, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-01
Updated: 2015-12-01
Packaged: 2019-07-05 15:23:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15866358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orelseatlastsheunderstoodit/pseuds/orelseatlastsheunderstoodit





	The Doctor and Fear

First disclaimer: the Doctor is the Doctor is the Doctor for me (I say that a lot) but I do not know the Classic versions of him well enough to include them in talking about the Doctor. Someday….

Second disclaimer: I am pretty [Watsonian](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Ffanlore.org%2Fwiki%2FWatsonian_vs._Doylist&t=ZmRkNjllZjE5MGQ2MjM3MzM1ODAzYTdlZTUzN2Q5NjNjMDBiMWEyNixVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0) when it comes to talking meta.

Third disclaimer: I am not a trained psychologist or anything. I just like stories.

Like many creatures, the Doctor has fears. These fears run the whole gamut, from “childish” fears to phobias to psychological hang-ups to anywhere in between. The thing is, since the Doctor is in essence the same person but expressed differently, his fears (and flaws and foibles) are all expressed differently from one regeneration to the next. 

And how one Doctor’s personality leads him to deal with fears affects future regenerations (as in, the experiences of a previous Doctor have an effect on future Doctors to varying extents; we talk of Twelve being like Four and Seven and dressing like Three, which is accurate–-past experiences have an effect on future expressions of self). So what does that look like in New Who?

**_The Fear of Being A Monster_ **

When we meet Nine, he’s either freshly regenerated or he hasn’t seen a mirror since he regenerated. With the lack of post-regen loopiness, I’m gonna go with the latter, though loopiness doesn't _have_ to occur post-regeneration. Nine  _thinks_  he’s just destroyed Gallifrey and its people with it; maybe he doesn’t exactly remember seeing it burn but he knows he was about to press the big red button. He knows that his punishment for burning Gallifrey was [to live on](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2FDoctorWho%2F33-15.html&t=NjU2MzFiZjExMzYwNWFhMDM3ZTAxMjA4NTIzZWE5YzI3NWIzN2MwOSxVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0), to survive past the end of everything he knew and held dear.

But he doesn’t  _remember_  how to live on. The Time War had burnt on for so long–-the Master had fled, his companions were dead or scattered or erased from Time itself (how many times had the Daleks changed the timelines to kill his friends?), and the universe afraid of Time Lords and Daleks alike. [“Who can tell the difference any more?” a young woman had once said](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2F8Doctor%2F34-05.html&t=NmM4NTNlODRhNDhlY2RhOTQ5Y2RlNzgwYzEyZTFiZjMzOWQ5YjZlNyxVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0), scornful, disbelieving. And maybe he can’t tell the difference any more, either.

He’s afraid that he’s just like the Daleks. He’s afraid of being a monster–-and not just  _any_  monster, but the Oncoming Storm, the nameless blood-soaked thing haunting the universe’s dreams. And he’s afraid that he doesn’t know how to be anything different than what the war has made him. And he’s afraid that the universe won’t expect him to be anything other than that ancient legend and harbinger of death.

But he’s going to try to be different anyway, try to be the opposite of a monster. On one level he pushes the envelope a bit farther than he probably should, dancing around fixed points as he did–-saving a family in Southampton, standing on the shores of Krakatoa, mingling with the sightseers at Kennedy’s assassination.

And then he meets this young woman in the basement of a shop when he’s on the way to blow up a bunch of Autons (and maybe himself, he probably wouldn’t mind if he got caught in it; being him, he’d probably escape). She’d blundered her way into the whole mess, and he can’t let the poor ape just get killed for no reason. So he grabs her hand and says “Run” and they’re off.

But he’s afraid that she’s going to see right through his facade, past his battered leather jacket and into his battered hearts, and see that he’s not anything worthwhile. That he’s no different from a Dalek, just like Cass said all those years ago. That he’s not worthy of the promise he once made and once broke. (Besides, it feels like he’s vaguely remembering her in the wrong order, but he can’t place why unless he’s being honest with himself, and that’s not somewhere he wants to live.)

So he tries to get away from her as fast as possible, telling her to go home, blowing up her job, being brusque and rude. Besides, she’s just like everyone else, all unaware of what [he does so that they can sleep and eat and work and play and watch television](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2FDoctorWho%2F27-1.htm&t=ZWVjMTJmMGQ3MDRiOTBjMmQ4MTc2YmEzOGVkZTc0MzBlMzAxZmQxNyxVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0). “There’s a war goin’ on,” he tells the young woman, and instead of scorning him, she listens.

And as much as the young woman learns from him, he learns from her. He learns to laugh again, to make jokes again, to live again. And he loves Rose for it. The cynical ex-soldier gets a new lease on life–-that’s true for Jack and it’s true for him. Even if he won’t admit it. He’s still afraid, you see, that he’s merely wearing a disguise, a mask, that’s he’s merely keeping the monster at bay.

His fear of becoming a monster clouds his judgment when he meets a lone Dalek survivor of the Time War. He rails at it, screams at it for it to die, but underneath it all is the fear that he’s just like it. And somehow, somehow that Dalek knows just exactly what to say that cuts him to the quick: “[You would make a good Dalek.](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2FDoctorWho%2F27-6.htm&t=ZWQ4Y2I1ZDM4MjczNjEyYzczYzE1MTYzZTkzODU0ZDc2MDllM2M1MyxVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0)” That was what he feared, that that was the truth of him. 

Of course, Nine doesn’t stop to think that Daleks lie just as much as he does. But if he did, he’d brush it aside with the idea that even lies have kernels of truth inside them. Just because a Dalek said it doesn’t mean it’s truth. But yet Rose is the one who stops him from shooting the Dalek–-it stops him cold, to hear her say, “What the hell are you changing into?”

And his reply is anguished–-both in its denial and its surprised sudden self-awareness: “I couldn’t. I wasn’t. Oh, Rose. They’re all dead.” (And ‘they’ could mean all the soldiers the Dalek killed, but it’s more likely Gallifrey and its people that he means.) And then the mutating Dalek asks a simple question: “Why do we survive?” The Doctor replies, “I don’t know.”

Why do the monsters get to live, he wonders, when the world has people like Rose in it? So he runs from the questions because he’s afraid of the answers and what those answers would say about him–-until it all catches up with him on the Game Station. 

The Doctor knows they’re in an impossible situation (how many impossible situations against the Daleks had he survived? he can’t remember) and so he tricks Rose into going back to her safe home. He keeps the promise he made to Rose’s mum. And then Jack asks if the plan to defeat the Daleks is ready:

> JACK [OC]: Is it ever going to be ready?   
>  EMPEROR [on viewscreen]: Tell him the truth, Doctor. There is every possibility the Delta Wave could be complete, but no possibility of refining it. The Delta Wave must kill every living thing in its path, with no distinction between human and Dalek.
> 
> EMPEROR: All things will die by your hand.   
>  JACK [on viewscreen]: Doctor, the range of this transmitter covers the entire Earth.   
>  EMPEROR [on viewscreen]: You would destroy Daleks and Humans together. If I am God, the creator of all things, then what does that make you, Doctor?   
>  DOCTOR: There are colonies out there. The Human Race would survive in some shape or form, but you’re the only Daleks in existence. The whole Universe is in danger if I let you live. ([link](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2FDoctorWho%2F27-13.htm&t=NmE1ZDAzOTNiMDAxMjJlNjhiMzM1MWNiMDExMmIxMTI2YjVlMzE4MyxVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0))

And this is what he feared, being back in the situation that demanded an impossible choice of him-–a chance to destroy his worst enemy, to stop the monsters, but in doing so becoming a monster himself. Breaking the promise. _Again_.

> DOCTOR: You really want to think about this, because if I activate the signal, every living creature dies.   
>  EMPEROR [on viewscreen]: I am immortal.   
>  DOCTOR: Do you want to put that to the test?   
>  EMPEROR [on viewscreen]: I want to see you become like me. Hail the Doctor, the Great Exterminator.   
>  DOCTOR: I’ll do it!   
>  EMPEROR [on viewscreen]: Then prove yourself, Doctor. What are you, coward or killer?   
>  DOCTOR: Coward. Any day.  ([link](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2FDoctorWho%2F27-13.htm&t=NmE1ZDAzOTNiMDAxMjJlNjhiMzM1MWNiMDExMmIxMTI2YjVlMzE4MyxVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0))

In between the Dalek Emperor’s question of “What are you, coward or killer?” and his answer, the Doctor’s hands waver over the controls of the Delta Wave. One wrong choice, even for a good reason, and most of humanity would be dead.  _He’d_  be dead (but he doesn’t mind that as much as the idea that humanity would be toast). Not again, his mind is saying. It’s probably written all over his face. Not again. I can’t let this happen again.

_No more._

“Coward. Any day,” he says, accepting that this choice is the choice of the Doctor, accepting that he will die, accepting that maybe he isn’t a monster after all, because when it came down to the testing point, he couldn’t do what he (believed he) had done.

But that doesn’t mean the Doctor has lost his fears. Oh, no… **  
**

**_The Fear of Being The Man Who Would_ **

The Doctor is still afraid that he’s not the person that everyone else sees him as. And he  _knows_  he’s not the person he thinks he should be. Sure, coward, any day, but being a coward can get you killed (so can being a hero, but, hey, that’s what heroes do, right? go out in a blaze of glory?). Besides, the people around him think he’s a hero, so that’s the role he has to play–and wants to play.

So, consciously or not, he picked an appropriate ‘hero’s face’–-the dashing time traveller who is  _clearly_  not too old to be running through time and space with Rose Tyler. He’s afraid that people will look past the brainy specs and the pinstripe suit and the billowy jacket and see the insecure, screwed-up mess that he knows he is in the moments he lets himself think about it.

So he doesn’t think about it. He runs instead. He  _pretends_. He pretends that Gallifrey was brilliant, that the Time Lords were just the terrible stuffy bureaucrats they were instead of the horrible purveyors of terror they’d become in the Time War. He pretends that he’s the perfect hero. 

But he’s not. And when he thinks about it, he knows he’s not. So he tries not to think about it, because thinking about it hurts. Thinking about the Time War hurts. Thinking about all his losses hurts. And he thinks that he deserves this because he (believes that he) pushed that big red button. He  _deserves_  to lose Rose, he  _deserves_  for Martha to leave (he was a jerk, after all), he  _deserves_  for Donna to…to…

It hurts to  _live_  but he deserves it because it’s all his fault. It’s on him to keeping living regardless of whether or not he wants to.

And it builds up and it burns and he does not know how to share what he’s feeling because he thinks he has to be the perfect representative of his lost (and now therefore falsely perfect) people. So he overcompensates, is afraid that he’s not doing enough when in fact he’s doing far far too much. He strives so hard to be someone he really isn’t that he’s full of self-imposed contradictions: he’s so deeply turned inward in his griefs that he hurts the people around him, he’s so focused on other people that he doesn’t address how he’s feeling. 

And he’s so desperate for connection with others (especially after losing Rose, with whom it was easy to pretend that everything was okay) but he also feels like he’s driving everyone good and whole away from himself, that it’s his fault that his friends don’t stick around. 

He’s afraid that he’s driving them away from himself and that it’s both his fault and his fate–-and that makes him do ludicrously terrible things and he ends up wandering in the land of self-fulfilling prophecies. 

It’s what lurks behind the distance he puts between himself and Martha ('She’ll just leave so I won’t get close’ but he does it so  _badly_  that she ends up choosing to leave; their relationship markedly improves once she’s no longer traveling with him). It’s what lurks behind his terrible, wrong decision to wipe Donna’s mind instead of letting her die ('I’m losing her but she won’t be  _dead’_ without him stopping to think of what  _Donna_  wants and instead mitigating his own pain). It’s the motivation between the lawfully evil punishments he inflicts on his adversaries (imprisoning the Carrionites in the crystal ball, what he does to the Family of Blood, etc.).

Ten’s always caught between who he actually is and who he thinks he should be, and it makes him a hypocrite. He tells himself stories (lies) about the kind of person he is and the kind of person he’s been because the actual truth hurts. And he tells other people those stories, too, telling the people about The Man Who Never Would because the story those people needed is not the story of someone who destroyed his people, but a story where he chose not to. 

So when his cloned self–-who has his face, who has his memories, who has his fears and flaws and foibles–-flips the switch and destroys the Daleks, he’s  _furious_. ‘I am not like that,’ he thinks. ‘That is not me. That is not the Doctor.’ And he tells Rose that TenToo is like himself as he had once been, freshly regenerated and having to live on after a terrible deed. And, in a way, maybe he’s telling the truth. At least, it’s the truth he thinks Rose needs to hear.

But he’s really afraid that he just proved that he’d be a killer any day, rather than a coward. He’s afraid that he is The Man Who Would. The Man Who Would deserves to be thrown out of the bus. The Man Who Would deserves to drown under London. The Man Who Would deserves to be cut off from friends and family and love (of all kinds). And because The Man Who Would deserves no friends, no solace, no comfort, no joy, he’s running as far and fast as he can, but he can’t escape his fears of being The Man Who Would. He can’t escape the idea that he’s the Man Who Would.

And so he goes off the rails in the attempt to be The Man Who Never Would. He’s gonna defeat Time and make it bend to his will, make it do what  _he_  wants. And Time retaliates–-Adelaide Brooke shoots herself rather than remain saved, the Time Lord High Council tries to knock Earth out of its orbit and the Doctor must send his people (no longer idealized, not with Rassilon’s imperious face glaring at him at the end of a gun’s barrel, anyway) back to hell, and he sacrifices himself at the end of a relatively short life to save an old man, an old soldier who’d never killed anyone. He saves The Man Who Never Did and dies for it.

_**The Fear of Being A Nightmare** _

The Doctor who swaggers away (well, lurches) crashes into a little girl’s garden, coincidentally as an answer to a prayer to Santa Claus. And he tries very hard indeed to be the answer to that prayer.

Eleven knows that he has the capacity for both great good and great evil inside himself. He’s far enough removed from the Moment (or he’s buried it deep enough) that he thinks ‘I am a coward but I am also a killer’ and decides that no one should know either about himself. In fact, he’d tried so hard to make connections in his past life and made a mess of it, so he won’t try so hard this time. And if he hadn’t crashed into Amelia Pond’s garden, he might have stayed alone for a long, long time. But he did crash into a little girl’s garden, and the game begins.

He pretends again, but his game of Let’s Pretend is one in which he wears [a twelve-year-old’s face](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2FDoctorWho%2F33-5.htm&t=NGU0ZGEyYzJiZDlhNDI3NGQ4OGQ4NDI1MTAxYzhmZTQ1Mjk1YzlkMCxVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0) and makes flippant jokes in the face of doom. (Gallows humor was always something he did well, but Eleven makes it an  _art_.) He makes a game of being the Doctor and he uses his face to make it a young man’s game, to hide how very very old he feels.

He’s afraid they’ll find out, you see, that he’s old and tired and not very good at all. But they know he’s old and Amy at least sees that he’s tired and that he’s not perfect and they love him anyway. In fact, Amy probably sees him as better than he really is, he knows, and he knows he should shatter that dream but it means acknowledging who he really is (he later [does](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2FDoctorWho%2F32-11.htm&t=MmNkN2JhY2I1ZjUwMzA0M2YyMmQ1NWFjMmIyMTQyNmYxOTZmYmFhNyxVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0), but it hurts them both). He  _enjoys_  the fact that someone loves him so wholeheartedly; it’s been a long, long time (at least, it feels like it, but it really hasn’t been) since he left Donna with her grandfather and her hopefully-reformed mother.

But there’s [a hell of a scary crack](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2FDoctorWho%2F31-1.htm&t=OWU5NWExODA2YWE0YmUzNjQ3YjcxMTE2OTAwOWFjNzE1YjQ3MzRiZSxVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0) in Amy’s wall, and it seems to be following her around. It’s actually following the Doctor around, and he doesn’t know why. And he’s afraid of not knowing the answer–-and he might be afraid of the answer, he’s not sure.

After all, how had he described [the creature who was meant to be placed in the Pandorica](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2FDoctorWho%2F31-12.htm&t=ZTZiNGFkOTg4NTAzY2I3YmYzNzJhNzk0ZmRhY2UyMjc2OTk3ODA1MyxVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0)? “There was a goblin, or a trickster, or a warrior. A nameless, terrible thing, soaked in the blood of a billion galaxies. The most feared being in all the cosmos. And nothing could stop it, or hold it, or reason with it. One day it would just drop out of the sky and tear down your world,” he says, blithely describing himself as seen by his enemies.

For that  _is_  how his enemies see him. They see him as some fearsome thing, the beast from their nightmares, and he is shocked when he realizes that that’s how he’s viewed. Once again, he feels the old fear that he’s no different than the Daleks (even if he’d let them escape and establish themselves in the universe again rather than let Earth be destroyed by a man who was a bomb [or a bomb who was a man, who knows in fairytales?]) He’d thought he’d passed the test when he’d let them get away, but now the question’s changed.

And so at Stonehenge, where his enemies (whom he’s defeated time and time again, both before, during, and after the Time War) have allied together against him in order to stop the destruction of the universe (something he doesn’t actually know anything about), they lock him away in a box to keep it from happening. And the Doctor is nearly powerless, is nearly erased.

But Amy recalls him to life, and he must keep on living. That was his punishment, after all. [Death would be a gift](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2FDoctorWho%2F32-11.htm&t=MmNkN2JhY2I1ZjUwMzA0M2YyMmQ1NWFjMmIyMTQyNmYxOTZmYmFhNyxVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0) to the Nightmare that had been locked in the Pandorica, but he would be so lucky. He’d like to forget that day, but he can’t. It lurks in the back of his mind, tempering his choices (when he lets it), filtering every piece of information. He tries to forget it, though, which isn’t as difficult as he’d imagined, seeing as he’s pursued and persecuted by creatures who play tricks with people’s memories. If only they’d let him forget what he  _wants_  to forget.

Instead, they would only be content with killing him in order to secure his silence (regarding what, he doesn't know, for he doesn't even know the question). And he defeats them and he and his wife marry (each other, this time) and he fakes his death. 

“[I got too big](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2FDoctorWho%2F32-13.htm&t=NzBhNzNiZTE4NTY4MTVjYWZmNWIwMzU3Zjk2MmI0M2ZlN2RiY2EzOCxVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0),” he ends up telling Dorium. The story of The Doctor–-the warrior, the trickster, the rebel Time Lord (though how can one be a rebel without something to rebel against?), the victor–-got too big, got too heavy. The weight of bad dreams, of the Nightmare that is his life, or himself–-a weight that can’t be easily kicked off because it’s like sheets wrapped around someone’s legs when they’ve thrashed in their sleep. 

And he tries to atone for tearing Gallifrey down; he wants to be forgiven for the terrible thing that he (believes he) did. He removes himself from the narrative as much as he can, he steps back, he stops trying to make all the decisions for all people everywhere (regardless of the flaws in that plan), he tries to be the good man that Amy (and River) see him as. He hides how damaged he is from them, and they do the same. They’re damaged and they’re dysfunctional, and they're a family.

He does what he can to ease the pain of being the Predator, the nameless thing that gnaws after his enemies, whose friends aren’t safe because he’s not safe to be around.

So when he loses Amy and Rory and River in rapid succession, that’s it. Too many losses. No more.  _So he gives up_. “It is not our problem,” [he tells Strax](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2FDoctorWho%2F33-6.htm&t=OTk3ZjdiMGI1ODI2ZDg3ZTNhY2MyY2Y2YjNhZGFmNGQxMGQxMDZhZSxVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0). “Over a thousand years of saving the universe, Strax, you know the one thing I learned?  _The universe doesn’t care_.” No more stopping bad dreams because he’s deeply afraid of being deeply hurt, of caring so much that another loss will send him staggering off a cloud into the deep end.

And then he meets a young woman. Well, re-meets a young woman. Meets a young woman. Anyway, he finds it easy to pretend around her, too, but the pretending he did with Amy doesn’t work with Clara because they’re different women and his relationship with her is different. And he’s afraid, but he hides it, pretends that he can stick to a schedule and stick around. Clara drags him out of his isolation and they begin running.

Eleven (and Ten and War, though they don’t know it) get the ultimate do-over. He gets the chance to take the nightmare and make it into a dream. [“I’m going home, the long way round,”](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2FDoctorWho%2F33-15.html&t=NjU2MzFiZjExMzYwNWFhMDM3ZTAxMjA4NTIzZWE5YzI3NWIzN2MwOSxVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0) he tells Clara (and us), allowing himself to dream of seeing his people again. He didn’t kill them! He saved them! Gallifey’s out there! He’s not a Nightmare! He’s not perfect, but he’s not a monster! He’s not a killer (although he does defend himself! but still!)! He can find Gallifrey and everything will be lovely–

Except. Except he winds up on Trenzalore and discovers why the Kovarian Sect tried to kill him, why they kidnapped Amy and River, why they wanted his silence. [Everyone except the Doctor, despite them not knowing what it means, are afraid of the question](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2FDoctorWho%2F33-16.html&t=ZmRmNGNlMzc2NDYxZTZmOTk5MjEwNjBkOGEzNGFjMzk2OGY1MWVmNyxVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0). But when the Doctor discovers that the question is “Doctor who”, he’s afraid of the answer. 

The answer can bring Gallifrey back, the answer can bring back the Time War. So he won’t give it. He’d rather sit beside a wall with a scary crack in it, with a truth field emanating from it, than speak his name and let chaos ensue. He tricks Clara into going back to her safe home, keeping the promise he made himself that he wouldn’t lose her again, for the third time, for so many times he's lost count, and he keeps vigil in Christmas. He’s the Storyteller and the Handyman, but above all, he’s the Doctor, who keeps the bad dreams at bay.

But over the course of nine hundred years, he grows old(er) and he grows weak and he begins to die. He’s afraid that, if he falls, the universe might, too, but this is it. No more tricks, no more regenerations. The last hurrah, as it were.

But it’s not. Thanks to Clara (again), the course of his life is changed, and he lives on, even if it’s no longer  _meant_  to be a punishment.

**_The Fear of Being The Doctor  
_ **

And so he regenerates, something he believed he would never do again, and he felt safe enough, understood enough, by Clara to drop the young man’s face. A cynical old soldier gets a new lease on life. But he still won’t admit it. In fact, he won’t admit to caring about anyone or anything (except maybe Clara).

He’s afraid of being hurt, after nine hundred years of being tightly woven into the fabric of the Christmas community, after nine hundred years of sitting still in one place. He’s afraid of loving too deeply and of losing that (or whom) which he loves.

He does tell Clara that he’s afraid, though, albeit in a roundabout way. [He calls her from the past, telling her](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2FDoctorWho%2F34-1.html&t=OWJhNzQ1NTY2MzU4MzE0YTkxOTMzNTVkODg2NzliY2I0YWFlNmQyOCxVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0), “Because I think it’s going to be a whopper, and I think you might be scared. And however scared you are, Clara, the man you are with right now, the man I hope you are with, believe me, he is more scared than anything you can imagine right now and he, he needs you.“

And the Doctor needs her because he doesn’t remember how to live without the overwhelming guilt of destroying Gallifrey hanging over him. He doesn’t remember who he is without that guilt. He’s afraid that he doesn’t know how to be the Doctor without that guilt tempering his choices and filtering what he sees. He doesn’t know who he is without Gallifrey being inaccessibly gone, and now it’s somewhere out there, lost, but not gone.

And so he’s gruff and he’s rude and he’s like a pufferfish–-threaten him and he puffs up to protect himself. But he feels so deeply that it hurts. So he must compartmentalize to get the job of being the Doctor accomplished. He’s resigned to being the Doctor: “I don’t suppose it really matters now,” [he tells the Boneless](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2FDoctorWho%2F34-9.html&t=NmI1NDQ2YzdhMDU0ZDNiNGRkZDExYTNiYjhlYmFiYzY3OWEwY2ZiNixVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0), “You are monsters. That is the role you seem determined to play. So it seems I must play mine. The man that stops the monsters.”

Being the Doctor is a role he plays, a mask he wears, the face he shows the world. Is he good? Is he bad? He’s not sure. He knows that the Doctor has been both bad and good, has done both good and bad things, but he doesn’t know how those piles balance out in the long run. A Dalek sees hatred in his memory and tells him that the Doctor “[is a good Dalek](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2FDoctorWho%2F34-2.html&t=MGM1ZTY0YmMyNWRjMTIyNDc4YWE5MmY3ZTc5N2UzNmRkODk4ODJkZSxVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0)” and is convinced that the Doctor wants it to kill other Daleks in order to be good. He’s [dismissed and belittled the man who was a soldier and was a maths teacher](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2FDoctorWho%2F34-6.html&t=MDdiZmQ1NWExY2E5NDAzNGNhNGMxMTYxNjg3ZDM2MTkyNGUyMDA4NixVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0) and [is a Cyberman](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2FDoctorWho%2F34-11.html&t=N2NiNDRiMjdiYWYyYjBkYTQ1NzEwMTU2OTJlMWEyOGE3OWUwZmI1MixVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0) and is saving the world [by saving Clara](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2FDoctorWho%2F34-13.html&t=MzZiNGFmZTE3MzcyZDU2NzA3ZDBhZmY5OTViMzYxNzhhZDU3NDZmYyxVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0). How does that balance out with saving the planet from time to time? He doesn’t know. But he has finally learned something:

“I am  _not_  a good man! I am not a bad man,” [he declares](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2FDoctorWho%2F34-12.html&t=ZTIxZGM5NGM0OWRhNTk0OTgwZTYyYWFkZGUwMzEwZGYzZWQ3Mzc3NCxVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0). “I am not a hero. And I’m definitely not a president. And no, I’m not an officer. Do you know what I am? I am an idiot, with a box and a screwdriver. Just passing through, helping out, learning.”

And that gives him freedom he hasn’t felt in a while. He allows himself to feel hope about finding Gallifrey, but Missy lied to him (to our current knowledge, maybe it’s invisible).

He tries to find a bookstore and ends up on a battlefield and [ends up in another version of the ‘Coward or Killer’ question](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2FDoctorWho%2F35-1.html&t=ZWUxNTk2ZGFmZDA3NDNiNzBiMDcxOWMzMjA0ODI3MjVmODdmODAxZixVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0). He dances around the answer, but it turns out that [it’s NEITHER](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2FDoctorWho%2F35-2.html&t=Njg2Mjc4ZjQ4ZTE0NDlhYzZmMzcxMzdmOTAyMTY5MTJjMTIyNTgzOCxVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0). He tries to find the third way, the option that he was given, even if sometimes he doesn’t do it well.

He tells Davros, “There’s no such thing as the Doctor. I’m just a bloke in a box, telling stories. And I didn’t come here because I’m ashamed. A bit of shame never hurt anyone. I came because you’re sick and you asked. And because sometimes, on a good day, if I try very hard, I’m not some old Time Lord who ran away. I’m the Doctor.“ 

In Twelve’s view, he’s learned that  _good_  has very little to do with what the Doctor is. At least, he knows that  _he_  is not good, and if he is the Doctor, then the Doctor is not good. But the Doctor, on his best days, is very good indeed. So instead of giving himself up to confusion, he just pretends that the Doctor and himself are two different people. He’s still telling stories to himself and to others, and he hopes that those stories save people (much like Ashildr’s stories saved her village and initially killed her).

Twelve grows afraid of Clara being so similar to the Doctor. He’s afraid it’s going to end badly, that he’s going to lose her, but he knows that Clara’s gonna do what she’s gonna do despite whatever he tries to say or do. And it gets her killed.

Then Twelve is teleported somewhere, he doesn’t know where. He’s afraid and he’s grieving. He confesses that he is afraid of dying (after so many years of avoiding it). He confesses that he’s afraid of something else, of being someone  _other_  than the Doctor. Or, at least, he’s afraid that Doctor is something  _other_  than what he has always wanted the Doctor to be.

He’s afraid of what will happen, he’s afraid that everything will change, that  _he_  will changed, be fundamentally different than from who he is and who he wants to be. 

[He is the Doctor, and he is afraid](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chakoteya.net%2FDoctorWho%2F33-10.htm&t=MzZjZDFjMDQwNWM1YTM2M2I3NjEwMGVhMjY5NDRiYTIyMjE3OGY3MSxVd1MyaEk2NA%3D%3D&b=t%3A6tOCh6Sn38LfuqvcyD6tPA&p=http%3A%2F%2Forelseatlastsheunderstoodit.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134326023061%2Fthe-doctor-and-fear&m=0). He has reasons to back up his very real fears. But his fears don’t stop him. 

Fear is the companion that lurks and slinks and never lets go, that never leaves him. Fear is the superpower that pumps adrenaline and power into his tired limbs and burnt fingers, that pulls him up stairs and to another death.

Fear makes the Doctor stubborn as hell. Fear makes the Doctor prefer to take a billion billion tries to punch his way out of hell rather than to simply tell a secret he doesn’t think should ever be spoken.


End file.
